"Your trauma is not transcendence" is a tag line I meditate on often as I progress on my healing journey and practice of bhakti-yoga, Kṛṣṇa (pronounced Krishna) consciousness . It speaks to the intimate relationship between inner work and spirituality and the necessity for ongoing reflection to ensure pure practice. These are some of my realizations on self-effort and surrender.
I recently left my graduate program for marriage and family counseling having applied for a full-time position at the crisis center, but without confirmation on whether I had gotten it.
It was a confusing time, but I just knew I had to leave; or more accurately I did not like the projected future for myself if I stayed.
The following days and weeks were a whirlwind of "I don't know if I 'should' be doing this, but I am going to do it anyway"s. It was somewhere in this period of various life revelations that I got indication I would later be pursuing higher education in psychology. Cue dissonant triggering of my internal paradigms.
The essential principle of bhakti is surrender to Śrī Kṛṣṇa, the Supreme Personality of Godhead. At the end of Bhagavad-gītā (18.66), He says just this, "Abandon all varieties of religion and just surrender unto Me. I shall deliver you from all sinful reaction. Do not fear." *
In my jump-off-the-ledge-into-the-real-world, part of what I realized was how twisted my concept of surrender was with my external locus control developed from trauma and subsequent lack of self-confidence.
In psychology, there is the understanding of a spectrum people fall under regarding the extent they feel their circumstances are in their control (internal locus) or in that of higher forces immovable by them (external locus).
I cannot quite remember when this realization started budding, but I think it was the riddling fear the had presented itself each time I took a step forward in the psychology direction. "Should I be doing this? Am I making a mistake? What if I commit to this and it ends up being wrong?"
I ended up in college for my undergraduate degree because my mom filled out the application and I begrudgingly agreed to write the essay. Don't get me wrong, I was an excellent student taking college level math and science classes early on in high school, but I was struggling and this led to various self-destructive behaviors and a general hopelessness for life. It was the only school we, I mean she, applied for and we actually missed the application date but due to a natural disaster the deadline was extended for residents in my area.
"I guess I am going to college"
I ended up in my major because I was frustrated with being "Undecided" and wanted more direction in my studies. I had heard what I now know was Kṛṣṇa in the heart say "Women's Studies". I did not even know my university offered the major.
"I guess I am majoring in Women's Studies"
I ended up in graduate school because I was loosely interested in the field, by process of elimination; was not ready for full-time work nor interested in the job opportunities for my major; and I had already gotten into the program.
"I guess I am going to grad school"
And the pattern continued.
Reflecting back this first started in my last semester of high school when I was living in a home for homeless and unaccompanied youth. I was 17 and it was the first time in my life I had full(ish) liberty over my decisions.
My spirituality had taken me in the direction of synchronicity and number signs, and I made many decisions on this external locus of control. Please note I am not writing these off to purely mental processes. What I mean to say is I once spent the night at a random strangers' house, thinking we would be going on a day trip to Miami (which never happened by the way), because when I was in the DMV accompanying a friend and I saw him wearing a hat with the name of the city we were in. Needless to say I missed curfew, and was essentially given the choice to be grounded for two weeks or leave the program. I left.
Okay so here's my clarification: Nimitta, or observing patterns in the environment, undoubtedly has deep significance in aligning oneself with the divine order of things, and is still deeply relevant for me. Just yesterday I painted the inside of my camper a particular hue because of the significant numbers (another article on this soon). However, I was overboard then. Hence again, "Your trauma is not transcendence." Throughout time it was becoming increasingly revealed that there were a slew of inner messages underneath that go-with-the-flow, "surrendered" mentality.
Inner Message #1: "Life is utterly unpredictable, so why try to plan anything for the future anyways?" (A common theme caused by the instability of an alcohol parent(s).
Inner Message #2: "You cannot want anything for your life or your future because life it going to rip it from you anyway. So, don't want or try for anything because you will just get hurt." (A nuanced branch of the above)
Inner Message #3: "I don't trust myself to make decisions, so if I put no effort into it whatsoever. That way I know whatever happens was indeed meant for me because I could not do anything to mess it up."
So as I was moving forward with psychology, making active endeavor forward taking time and energy to do so, my internals were in crisis. Although psychic vision from Kṛṣṇa is what initiated the psychology pursuit, first that I would even be going back to grad school and then where I would be going and for what, this would be one of the few times in my life when I actually exerted some effort into my life direction.
The journey to even get into this program is long let alone the time spent in the program itself. Do I really want to be doing this? Or more specifically, is it really safe enough to invest?
So I was thinking about this one morning and it struck me:
On the Battlefield of Kurukṣetra, the setting where the Bhagavad-gītā
was spoken by Kṛṣṇa, He never forced Arjuna to fight. He said, "Thus I have explained to you the most confidential of all knowledge. Deliberate on this fully, and then do what you wish to do. (18.63)" *
"You mean to say I can actually feel things and like... have a choice?"
"I am not simply limp in the hands of fate and time?"
Suddenly, it became clear. Being a servant of God and surrendering unto His will does not mean all of a sudden we become mindless automatons waiting for our master to program us with further instructions.
Sometime the Lord's dictations from within the heart are that clear and concise: "Go here." "Talk to this person." But other times, like this, it's subtle. Especially if he sees a particular unwanted pattern in the heart polluting the fullest expression of self in relationship. Sometimes it's that inspiration from your desire that He's using in grand ways. Sometimes that desire was expressed many lives before this one.
How I became liberated by this realization; however, was in recognizing that Kṛṣṇa spoke Bhagavad-gītā to Arjuna, this soul person was cast in this role, because of their friendship.
With friendship comes trust. Kṛṣṇa knew Arjuna would fight the battle not because there were pre-rehearsed lines progammed into Arjuna's head, and because God is omniscient he knew this already, but because He knew that soul so well that no matter what the circumstance he would surrender to Him.
So, for my life, which I have given to Him in service and commitment, I realized I can trust myself to chose a direction, follow it, and know Kṛṣṇa will adjust me as needed for His purposes because that is my desire.
And He trusts me.
_____
End.
*translation from Bhagavad-gītā: As it is by His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupāda